-Remember that children from trauma must learn to attach to their parents first to form healthy relationships. Don’t compete with parents.

-Consistently point to the child’s awesome parents

-Remember that children from trauma have brains that work differently than the other children. They are often working out fight, flight, or freeze (survival mode). It is important to use different strategies when caring for children from trauma.

-Your role is a support role. Unplowed Ground is an connection-based parenting program. Your role is to support the parents, as they work to connect with the child.

-Just as its essential for therapeutic parents to be Arnold/Grandma parents, it is also essential for respite providers to be Arnold/Grandma respite providers.

-While we are not nurturing the same as mom, we are focused on providing consistent “nurture” with high fives, a kind tone of voice, and pointing back to mom.

-If you are providing respite in the family’s home, make sure that you are aware of the child’s sitting spot.

-If you are providing respite in your home, make sure you establish a sitting spot for the child in your home.

-The child will retreat to their sitting spot in transition.

For example: You might say to the child: “Sally?” She would respond, “Yes, Mrs Claire?” You would reply with, “I want you to go put your plate in the sink, and then go to your sitting spot.” You might then ask a question: “What is it that I want you to do in your sitting spot?” Sally replies, “Sit and wait quietly until you tell me what to do next.”

You should not leave the child in the sitting spot for long periods of time, only for a few minutes in transition.

Make sure to memorize the Big 6!

Make your own chart of the Big 6 and have it displayed in your home while the child is there for respite. Let the child know that you know the Big 6 and that they will be expected to do the Big 6 while in your care.

Answering correctly may seem small, but it is so important. They are doing this at home with Mom and Dad. Make sure they are answering you correctly with Mrs. ____ or Mr. ______ every time.

In addition, make sure they are getting your attention correctly.

Passing the five trust tests is essential to providing effective respite care.

Make sure that you are in clear communication with the parents regarding what is truly going on at home. This will help you know how to prepare your home. For example, if they have a history of stealing, make sure that you are checking their pockets.

It is not a question of “if” you will have to pass a trust test, but “when.”

Make sure that you memorize the five trust tests.

The name game is a very, very common test during respite. Do not fail this test. Let them earn another chance to hear.

No animal privileges during respite.

This video is great for understanding just what the parents are doing to nurture their child at home.

It is important to note that the respite provider’s role is to preserve the benefits of the intensive nurture their mom is providing at home. We want to make sure that we do not give the child any competition while attaching with his/her mom.

You should always be kind in your interactions with the child, but make sure that you approach it as more of a formal relationship, similar to the relationship a teacher would have with a student. For example, instead of hugs, give high fives.
No animal privileges during respite.

This is what respite will consist of. The child will stay in stations the entire time they are with you.

Follow this model to equip your home for stations.

The no roaming policy should be implemented in your home the entire time the child is in your care.

Rotate through stations every ten minutes if possible. Stations should be FUN for them! Structure is NOT a punishment!

Typically respite providers don’t see out of control behavior during respite. It is normal for the child to “honeymoon” and save the challenging behaviors for mom and dad. However, if you do experience out of control behavior, you will use the same methods laid out in this video.

If you need to wait out the child, kindly and calmly say, ``I don't want you to do it right now. I want you to rest. You may stand, sit, kneel, or lie down and rest where you are until you're ready. Say, ‘Ready Mrs. ___; when you're ready.``

Give them the time they need for their brain to shift from opposition and defiance, even if it takes hours.

For required activities, bring necessary items to the spot where they are “resting.”

When they say “Ready, Mrs. ___,” have them do what you had asked, then move on. The ``resting`` was the consequence. Do NOT layer consequences.

Remember, “Dancing With W.A.L.T.E.R.” activates fight, flight or freeze, and will cause opposition and defiance.

Memorize W.A.L.T.E.R. Remember, Warnings, Arguing, Lectures, Threats, Explaining, and Rescuing are NOT effective tools to use with children from trauma!

Making it known you are upset or angry when a child is acting out will only push them further into opposition and defiance.

Using a loving response, and then move on.

If a child is displaying inappropriate behavior, such as cursing or disrespectful language, simply respond, “Thank you for letting me know.” You might also say, “Oh, that’s never good.”

Asking (instead of telling) will activate the logical part of the brain and prevent opposition!

Cross-talk is an indirect way to communicate with a child from trauma, making it an powerful tool because the child is likely to listen more carefully!

The goal is to keep the child out of opposition and defiance so that they can live in the logical part of the brain… so that they can actually heal from trauma!

Consequences must not be negative or punitive at all, but merely serve the purpose of letting the child know that you noticed their poor choice.

Always provide the mildest consequence that will let the child know you noticed.

A brain shifter is a small, but effective consequence. It may be best to choose the ones that draw the least attention, such as, “Touch your nose 4 times.” Or, “Give me 3 bunny hops.” Then follow up by asking, “Why did you have to do those?”

If they choose not to do it, wait them out by having them rest until they are ready to do the consequence.

While you, the respite provider, are not the primary attachment figure for an adopted child, they still need to know that you care about them. This will help them trust you and feel safe.

Talking it out is great for all kids learning to cope with their feelings, but especially for children with trauma.

Having the child draw their heart upon entering your home would make a great first station, and may give you some insight on how the rest of your time together will go.